By A CONCERNED SATIRIST WHO’S RUNNING OUT OF POPCORN
There’s something unsettling about a man who starts his day with a five-course breakfast at Golden Peacock. It’s not just the cholesterol levels we worry about. It’s the symbolism. Because when Richard Chimwendo Banda sits down to his pyramid of pancakes, tower of toast, bacon battalion and eggs from what one imagines are the Queen’s own chickens what he’s really doing is preparing for a day of political gluttony.
Currently moonlighting as both Minister of Local Government and the Secretary General of the Malawi Congress Party (MCP), Chimwendo has made it his life’s mission to collect power the way some people collect stamps: obsessively, secretively, and with absolutely no regard for what it does to the rest of the room.
Once upon a time, the MCP was a proud political party. Now? It’s a buffet. And Chimwendo is at the front of the line, with two plates, three forks, and no intention of letting anyone else near the chafing dishes.
Mzimba Central constituency MCP primary elections fracas
The Primaries Predicament: How to Rig an Election in Three Easy Steps
MCP primaries have historically been a chance for the people to choose their champions. But under Chimwendo’s watchful, calculating gaze, they’ve become something else entirely: a loyalty test.
The formula is simple. Step 1: Identify any potential Member of Parliament with a spine, brain, or modest popularity. Step 2: Find a more pliable candidate, preferably one who thinks “policy” is a brand of shoes. Step 3: Engineer a “primary process” so opaque it makes North Korea look like Switzerland.
The result? An MCP that is slowly but surely being hollowed out from within. Genuine leaders are being excommunicated like unrepentant heretics, while the faithful lapdogs are anointed to carry the torch. Or rather, to hold it while Chimwendo lights his cigar.
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The Man with Many Fingers and Even More Pies
But don’t be fooled. This isn’t just about primaries. Chimwendo is playing a game of Monopoly on steroids. Rumours abound that his reach extends into nearly every major parastatal, where government contracts are being hoarded like canned food in a zombie apocalypse. Need a tender? Hope you brought a loyalty card.
And let’s not forget the whispers of ties to human trafficking networks. Yes, in between reshuffling local councillors and sabotaging democracy, our man allegedly finds time to dip his toes into international criminality. A Renaissance man of sorts – if the Renaissance was run by gangsters.
A One-Man Wrecking Ball
Chimwendo’s rise has not been quiet. Nor has it been elegant. It has been loud, brash, and spectacularly greedy. Like a man sprinting through a china shop with a shopping trolley full of dynamite. And with each calculated step, he leaves a trail of fractured party unity, demoralised youth, and a general public that can smell the rot.
Party veterans look on in horror. Grassroots supporters are confused. The opposition? They’re just sitting back and watching the implosion with popcorn in one hand and voter registration forms in the other.
Will the Real MCP Please Stand Up?
The MCP once stood for principles. It once offered a beacon of hope. But now, it is increasingly being defined by one man’s vaulting ambitions and his insatiable desire to be both the puppeteer and the puppet show.
The aftermath of the violent acts during the MCP primary elections in Mzimba Central
If left unchecked, Chimwendo Banda could very well split the MCP in two – or worse, turn it into a shell of a party, animated only by contracts and greasy breakfasts.
So we must ask: where is the leadership? Where are the elders? Where are the voices of reason, whispering to him in the corridors of Capital Hill, saying, “Richard, perhaps let someone else have a go at the gravy train”?
Or are they too busy lining up for the scrambled eggs at Golden Peacock?
Conclusion: The Party Under Siege
Richard Chimwendo Banda may yet fancy himself a future president. But in doing so, he risks dragging down the very party that gave him his wings. The MCP is under siege, not from outside forces, but from within. And unless something changes, the party risks waking up one morning to find that while Chimwendo was gorging on power, everyone else lost their appetite.
For now, the question remains: is this the rise of a new leader? Or just another chapter in Malawi’s long, greasy descent into political absurdity?
Either way, someone please tell Golden Peacock to start charging him double.
