By A Satirist Who Hasn’t Forgotten
Oh look, it’s Norman Chisale. Bodyguard-turned-tycoon-turned-political-commentator-turned-unindicted-co-star of every scandal in the DPP era. He’s back—loud, unbothered, and freshly moisturised, warning the MCP about political violence like he’s the patron saint of peace.
Norman. Norman. Norman.
You, of all people, should be the last one to speak on political violence unless it’s to apologise. Or perhaps to return some of the batons you allegedly borrowed from police stores during your prime.
Let’s talk about Mponela, shall we? The site of a recent flare-up involving MCP supporters and a convoy from the opposition. It was regrettable, yes. But before Norman could finish Googling the coordinates, he was already on camera, wagging a finger and warning the MCP: “You’ve started a fire you can’t put out.”
A fire?
Norman, you were Malawi’s chief arsonist. The original spark plug of chaos. The man who once made headlines for being so paranoid, he reportedly ordered undercover officers to monitor goats that looked “suspicious.”
This is the same Norman Chisale who, under DPP rule, was named in multiple allegations involving beatings of civilians, abuse of public resources, and ghost infrastructure projects that existed only on PowerPoint.
You ran security details like a medieval militia.
You allegedly oversaw raids that left journalists in hiding.
You moved around with more bodyguards than a minor royal, all while claiming to be “just doing your job.”
Let us not forget the one time you supposedly threatened a bishop for not clapping loud enough. (Okay, maybe that one’s unconfirmed—but feels about right.)
And now, here you are. Trying to be Malawi’s version of Kofi Annan. Speaking in calm tones, as if we’ve forgotten you once allegedly had a private room at Area 30 with your name engraved on a taser.
You’re not fooling anyone, Norman.
The only fire you should be concerned with is the one burning through your reputation every time you open your mouth.
Because until you show remorse—or at the very least, the dignity of silence—your voice will always sound like hypocrisy in an ill-fitting suit.
You had your time. You wasted it on violence, arrogance, and designer sunglasses bought on the people’s dime.
Now sit down. And let the grown-ups talk.
