By THE SATIRIST, WHO REMEMBERS EVERYTHING YOU’D RATHER FORGET
So here we are again. Another presidential visit, another DPP brainstorm session involving stones, hired youth, and enough lies to fill a manifesto.
Reliable intelligence whispers, no, screams that 500 young men are being mobilised and paid handsomely to stone the presidential convoy during the Head of State’s upcoming trip to Blantyre for the Malawi International Trade Fair. Their task? Cause mayhem, provoke the state, and roll out the welcome mat of chaos that the DPP seems to carry in its back pocket.
At the centre of this latest political theatre? None other than the rotund master of Blantyre’s belly politics, Deputy Mayor Jomo Osman, better known as Bangwe 1. His co-director in this dark comedy? Mike Chitekwe DPP’s field marshal in the campaign to replace ballots with bricks.
The DPP: Authors of Anarchy
Violence isn’t new to the DPP it’s their brand. From the mysterious murder of ACB Director Issa Njauju (yes, the one whose body was dumped like waste while corruption flourished), to the carefully orchestrated bouts of chaos that defined their last years in power, the pattern is clear.
Don’t believe it? Here’s a little memory jog: Shire Times: DPP murdered Issa Njauju to get away with corruption
And let us not forget Robert Chasowa, a university student, the dreamer, the fearless mind—who paid the ultimate price for questioning the regime. His murder at the Polytechnic (now Malawi University of Business and Applied Sciences) remains a national scar, reopened every time the DPP invokes democracy while plotting repression.
Read it and weep: Chasowa tribute at Poly: Students in emotional memorial
The Southern Hospitality of Stone Throwers
It is becoming almost ritualistic: the President visits the Southern Region long considered the DPP’s spiritual headquarters and is greeted not with songs or slogans, but with stones. From Machinga to Mponela to Blantyre, this “welcoming committee” appears with disturbing precision.
The latest episode? Arrests in connection to the obstruction of President Chakwera’s convoy, another attempt to provoke headlines through aggression, not agenda
This isn’t coincidence. This is choreography. And the DPP are not just participants they’re the producers.
Mponela Was No Accident
Just weeks ago, political violence erupted in Mponela. And surprise, surprise the common denominator is always the same. Young men bussed in. Violence on cue. And a DPP official nearby pretending to be shocked while secretly checking if the press coverage is going live.
This isn’t spontaneous outrage. It’s strategic unrest. The opposition, knowing it has no coherent message, no viable candidates, and no economic plan, reverts to the only playbook it understands: burn, blame, repeat.
But What Exactly Is the Offer?
Let’s ask the real question. What are these orchestrators of chaos offering Malawians?
Jobs? No. Ideas? Please. A path forward? Only if that path is paved with fear, funded by frustration, and monitored by people like Jomo who think governance begins and ends at the city parking lot.
This is not about democracy. This is about desperation. The DPP is trying to provoke violence so they can later claim victimhood. To soil an election they know they won’t win cleanly. Because when you have no future, your only chance is to discredit everyone else’s.
Nepotism in Track Suits
Let us be honest. These are not revolutionaries. They are opportunists in overgrown jerseys, clinging to stolen influence. Their vision for Malawi is a return to the days when tenders were family heirlooms, fuel allowances were paid in sacks, and the ACB was more endangered than protected.
We are told they represent the people. Which people? The ones paid K5,000 to stone a convoy and disappear by nightfall?
Conclusion: Stones Don’t Build Nations
The threat of violence isn’t politics it’s treason with a press pass. And if the DPP thinks it can scare its way back into relevance, then it underestimates just how deeply Malawians remember. We’ve seen the movie. We know the ending.
So let them plot. Let Jomo fill his belly and his WhatsApp groups. Let Mike recruit from the same youth they abandoned when power was sweet. Because this time, the nation is watching.
And this time, the stones won’t break the convoy they’ll break what’s left of your credibility.
Let the ballot speak not the brick.
