By THE SATIRIST, WHO THINKS VOTING MACHINES DON’T BITE
Just when you thought Malawi’s political theatre couldn’t get any more scripted, here comes the opposition with a production worthy of a Nollywood award complete with manufactured outrage, a choreographed press conference, and yes, a traveling roadshow of demonstrations that carefully skips Lilongwe.
What’s the Plot? Monday morning, May 19, a group calling itself a coalition of Civil Society Organizations kicked off the campaign with a press briefing at Nkhwazi Lodge, Newlands, Blantyre.
Yes, the nation was initially told that this was a coalition of CSOs, but what transpired at the venue of the press conference was theatrical—it was a group of “whiners” calling themselves Concerned Registered Voters in Malawi.
What could not be hidden, though, was that this was a group of briefcase CSO’s affiliated to DPP, PP, and AFORD (let’s call them the Whiners’ Caucus). They indeed convened in Blantyre not for a debate, not for a policy dialogue, but to launch what is essentially a tantrum with a microphone.
Hypocrisy of the highest order: APM registering on the Smartmatic supported system
Apparently, call to action funded, of course, by the very political parties who stand to lose from a fair and efficient election. But here’s the kicker: it wasn’t just a press conference. Oh no, it’s an appetizer. The main course? A multi-course serving of demonstrations, carefully planned to crescendo just in time to overshadow the upcoming PAC all-inclusive meeting in Blantyre starting today (Tuesday, May 20).
The Great March of Manufactured Mayhem:
• Phase 1: May 19 press conference.
• Phase 2: Demonstrations in Blantyre in 7 days.
• Phase 3: Add Mzuzu, Karonga, and Mangochi to the riot playlist.
• Phase 4: Roll out to every district in Malawi-except Lilongwe, which, like a suspiciously omitted name in a corruption report, is left off the hit list—this is supposed to be a neutral civic space because it supports MCP.
Yes, nothing says ‘national movement’ like conveniently excluding the capital city.
We Have the Receipts
A trusted source shared a recording from their strategy conference call held Sunday night a kind of audio thriller, in equal parts disorganization and delusion. In the clips, we hear of logistical shortages, mumblings about poor coordination, and militant enthusiasm armed with only K6,000 allowances and wild hopes of national unrest.
Among those reportedly present on the call were: Mrs Chimombo, Mr Kambanje, Mrs Ida Mazinga, Mr Billy Banda, Mr Kingsley Mpaso, Mr Maloya, and Mr Jonathan Phiri.
Not exactly the Avengers. More like the Self Appointed Avengers of Fake Liberty armed with K6,000 allowances, shaky airtime, and delusions of grandeur. If this were a Marvel movie, it would be banned from cinemas for plot holes and overacting titled ‘Captain Confusion and the WhatsApp Warriors: The Quest for Relevance.
During the ill planned press briefing it was indeed Steve Chimwaza, Edwards Kambanje and Billy Banda leading the “Whiners’ Caucus”.
But Why the Fuss?
Because Smartmatic machines don’t have an uncle at MEC. Because the voters roll doesn’t come with preloaded ghost names anymore. And because, for the first time in ages, an election might actually be decided by votes instead of warehouses full of pre-ticked ballots or because of tip-ex.
With Smartmatic this is not possible, tip-ex will be an effort is vain
So, what’s an opposition to do? Manufacture outrage. Provoke a crisis. And call it democracy.
The Real Agenda?
This is not about transparency. It’s about throwing stones at the car before the race even starts. Because if you lose cleanly, you can’t cry foul. But if you delegitimize the pitch, the players, and the referee, then your loss becomes a ‘stolen victory’ a tale as old as power.
And if all else fails, blame the machines. The same ones that made it easier to verify voters, cut down on irregularities, and threatened to make elections a little less riggable.
Conclusion: Democracy Doesn’t Fear Wi-Fi
The irony of it all? The same political class that once feared thumbprints is now terrified of barcodes. This isn’t a civic revolution. It’s a soap opera.
Funded by parties, narrated by NGOs, and choreographed to the rhythm of fear. So buckle up, Malawi. The press briefings will be loud, the demos will be theatrical, and the hypocrisy well, that’s already viral.
But one thing is certain: it’s not the voting machines that threaten democracy. It’s the sore losers trying to unplug them before we even vote.
