You’ve got to hand it to the EU. Only they could send 150 people to “observe elections” in Malawi and still look like tourists who lost their Ryanair boarding passes. They’ve turned up with clipboards, fake smiles, and an agenda so obvious you can smell it from Blantyre to Brussels.
They aren’t here to watch democracy. They’re here to babysit it, the nosy neighbour with binoculars, except this one wants to rearrange the furniture while you’re out.
Chapter One: Holy Jesus, It’s The Rainbow Inquisition
According to our European babysitters, the real problem with Malawi is that our President is Christian. Yes, Christian the same faith they rammed down our throats with hymn books and colonial batons 100 years ago. But now, apparently, being Christian is barbaric.
Why? Because Chakwera won’t join the global conga line waving rainbow flags. Brussels is sulking because Malawi won’t dance at their Pride parade. Meanwhile, the DPP whose former leader is whispered about in tabloids as bisexual is being painted as “progressive.” So there you have it: African politics reduced to a bedroom rumour mill. Policy? Who cares. Gossip is the new governance.
Imagine Churchill being praised, not for winning the war, but because he “experimented with sailors.” That’s the intellectual level we’re working with.
Chapter Two: The Petrol Panic
Malawi found cheaper petrol through government to government deals. Prices went down. People could afford to get to work. Win-win, right? Wrong.
The EU was horrified. Cheaper fuel undermines their favourite bedtime story: “Africans must suffer so the market feels tidy.” It’s IMF economics, written in blood, not ink. And if Malawians can actually afford minibus fare, how on earth will Brussels justify its next PowerPoint about “African crisis management”?
For them, fuel isn’t about mobility it’s about misery. And they’re not happy unless you’re walking to work barefoot, humming Beethoven’s Fifth in despair.
Chapter Three: The Starvation Strategy
Civil servants asked for pay rises. The IMF said no. Meanwhile, $467 million sat untouched the economic equivalent of watching your neighbour’s house burn while you stand there eating ice cream.
The EU loves to preach about “human rights” but apparently teachers and nurses don’t qualify. Their gospel is simple: starve the public, starve the government, starve the economy. Then arrive with aid packages and cameras to play the hero in the tragedy you scripted yourself.
Chapter Four: Afrobarometer — Now With Extra Lies
Afrobarometer is supposed to be a survey. Instead, it’s a Ouija board for Brussels. They ask the questions, they whisper the answers, and shock! the results just happen to show the MCP crumbling and DPP rising.
This isn’t public opinion. It’s colonial ventriloquism. The EU sticks its hand up Malawi’s back and makes us talk like puppets.
The Gospel of Rainbow Hypocrisy
Let’s be honest. Yesterday, Europe flogged us into church pews. Today, they flog us into rainbow parades. Yesterday, the whip was the Bible. Today, it’s the LGBTQ agenda. Different colours, same colonial cosplay.
They cry “freedom of choice” but only if your choice matches theirs. Otherwise you’re a caveman, a bigot, a pariah. And yet, they’ll happily cosy up to any politician, saint or scoundrel, if the gossip columns tick their boxes.
The Punchline
So here we are. One hundred and fifty rainbow crusaders have landed to lecture us on democracy, sexuality, and economics. But let’s be blunt: they’re not observers. They’re missionaries with iPads.
The tragedy? Malawians aren’t fooled. We can smell hypocrisy faster than expired fuel at a filling station. And the EU’s circus act is wearing thin.
So to Brussels: thanks for the performance. But take your rainbow sermon, your Afrobarometer puppet show, and your petrol fairy tales back home.
Because here in Malawi, democracy isn’t a drag show. And if this is what Europe calls “progress,” then frankly, we’d rather stay the way we are.
