By A SATIRIST WHO KEEPS RECEIPTS
The Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) has sounded the alarm. Yes, the DPP—famed for its innovative work in the field of electoral sorcery—wants you to know that it is deeply concerned about the integrity of the upcoming voter verification process.
Pause for laughter.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is like Pablo Escobar writing a stern letter to the Anti-Drugs Commission. Like a fox filing a complaint with the henhouse security team. It would be hilarious if it weren’t so utterly shameless.
DPP officials, flanked by solemn expressions and press statements written in Comic Sans energy, are urging Malawians to keep their eyes wide open. Which is rich, considering this is the same party that once made sure half the country went to bed with their eyes forcibly shut.
Let’s take a little walk down memory lane, shall we?
The Great Heist of Democracy, Vol. 1–5
Whispers still haunt the halls of government buildings about the night Chilima, then a rising technocrat with a laptop and a dream, struck a deal with the late President Bingu wa Mutharika. The mission? Digitise the vote. The result? Digitised democracy, alright—straight into a USB stick and out the back door.
You see, DPP didn’t just flirt with rigging. They wined it, dined it, and wrote it love poems. From ghost voters to duplicate ballots, no form of manipulation was too small, no audit trail too visible.
And now, after years of pioneering the craft—beating everyone at their own dirty game—they want us to believe they’re suddenly the guardians of transparency?
Please.
The Two Elections That Were Actually Legit
Let’s be honest. In the 30-year buffet of Malawi’s multiparty elections, only two have truly earned a Michelin star for integrity:
1. The 1994 transition, when Bakili Muluzi danced his way into State House with cassette tapes and charisma.
2. The 2020 rerun, when Lazarus Chakwera swept to victory like a priest cleaning out a corrupt congregation.
And who was at the centre of both moments?
Enter Saulos Klaus Chilima, the master negotiator. First, as the DPP’s secret tech wizard, allegedly brokering the motherboard backdoor that gave DPP its earlier victories. And later, in a divine twist of political karma, as the torch-passing kingmaker who helped dethrone the very monster he once built.
From rigging apprentice to democratic redeemer—Malawi’s own Anakin Skywalker.
Back to Present Day Panic
Now the DPP, in a press conference that can only be described as performative concern, is telling the nation to watch out. They are worried, apparently, that voter verification may be tampered with.
Tampered with, you say? Like hiding ballots in chicken feed sacks? Like swapping tallies at the district level? Like deleting opposition stronghold results and replacing them with, oh I don’t know, zeroes?
Forgive us if we don’t clutch our pearls.
The Real Playbook
You see, when the DPP says they’re concerned about the process, what they really mean is: they’re no longer in control of it. There’s no laptop room this time, no backchannel MEC rendezvous in the middle of the night. No delayed announcements to buy time to “recalculate.”
And that’s what’s got them rattled.
They’re not warning us—they’re mourning the end of an era. The era where dead voters rose from their graves just to cast a vote for blue. Where ballot boxes could travel mysteriously from Mulanje to Mzuzu overnight and somehow change results mid-flight.
So What’s the Game Plan Now?
Well, first: create noise. Accuse first, investigate never.
Second: play the victim. Pretend the DPP has always been about free and fair elections—like they didn’t once refer to electoral reform as “noise from disgruntled losers.”
Third: pray for a miracle—or a favourable commissioner.
Conclusion: The Rigging Architects Have Left the Blueprint Out
When the DPP starts screaming about electoral manipulation, it’s not a warning. It’s a confession. A projection. A man in a ski mask warning you about burglars in the neighbourhood.
So yes, fellow Malawians, keep your eyes wide open. But not because the DPP says so. Keep them open in case they try one of their old tricks again.
Because history doesn’t just repeat itself—it tries to vote twice under a fake name.
This time? We’ve seen the playbook. And this time—we’re the ones keeping score.
